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Legolas Goes on American Idol

Title: Legolas Goes on American Idol
Characters: Legolas, Randy, Paula, Simon
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor


The three judges sat looking bored as they waited for the next contestant to take the stage. Randy was rubbing his face with one hand, Paula was sipping straight vodka from her Coca Cola cup, and Simon sat with his arms crossed in a show-me-what-you-got pose.

And then the Elf walked in.

Tall as a young tree and able to wield a great war bow, the Elf walked confidently to center stage and faced the judges. The contestant's long blond hair was pulled into a braid that hung down the curtain of gold that draped his shoulders. On the sides of his head were braids which were brought in behind his pointed ears. He was clad in green and brown and on his back was a quiver of arrows. In his hand he held a bow almost half the length of his body. He looked at the judges with ice blue eyes that held the wisdom and grace of many thousands of years.

"Oh come on!" Simon said looking the Elf up and down. "Just what are you supposed to be?"

"I am an Elf, from the Greenwood." Legolas said calmly.

Simon threw up his hands and Paula punched him on the arm.

"Don't be so rude." she snapped. She looked at Legolas, her eyes filled with awe and more than a little lust. "So what are you going to sing for us, sweetie?"

"The Lay of Nimrodel." Legolas said with a small bow.

"Lay?" Randy snorted, "You gotta be kidding us, right dawg?"

"Never mind," Simon sighed, "Let's just get this over with. Off you go..."

Legolas sang:

An Elven-maid there was of old,
A shining star by day:
Her mantle white was hemmed with gold,
Her shoes of silver-grey.

Beside the falls of Nimrodel,
By water clear and cool,
Her voice as falling silver fell
Into the shining pool.

Where now she wanders none can tell,
In sunlight or in shade;
For lost of yore was Nimrodel
And in the mountains stayed.

Never had mortal ears heard a sound as beautiful and musical as the Elf's voice raised in song. It is said that when Men hear the voices of Elves, never again do they want to be far from the sound of Elven singing.

Legolas stopped and looked at them all hopefully. Simon made a face.

"That was dreadful, absolutely dreadful." Simon sneered. "If I was walking in the woods and heard a sound like that, I'd start looking for bigfoot, I really would."

Randy snickered and Paula stared at Simon, outraged.

"How can you say that...?" she began.

"I'm just being honest." Simon insisted. "It was dreadful, and look at how he's dressed, no record company could market that. I'm sorry but it has to be a no for me."

"Dawg," Randy said, "I feel ya dawg. It was aight, but I don't think it's what we're looking for. No from me too."

Paula looked at them both in disbelief and then looked at Legolas, who waited anxiously for her pronouncement.

"I'm sorry," Paula said, "you have a lovely voice, you really do, but you might want to consider cutting your hair and dressing a little more modern. As far as I'm concerned your singing is lovely, but you need to change your image."

"So, I will not be going to Hollywood?" Legolas asked, his eyes clouded with disappointment.

Simon laughed out loud. "Not hardly."

Faster than the eye could follow, Legolas sequentially pinned each of the judges to their chairs with his arrows. Ryan Seacrest rushed in to see what was happening only to meet the same fate as that of his colleagues.

Minutes later, Legolas was facing the cameras in the AI confessional.

"They can say what they like but I know I can sing. All the members of the Fellowship love to hear me sing, they ask for me to sing. Admittedly there's not much to do when you're wandering the wilderness without an iPod, but I know I'm a better singer than Sam. This doesn't mean anything. Those judges don't know anything. I'm not going to lose it, if that's what you're thinking..." he said into the camera as tears formed in his bright blue eyes. "I'm not..." He walked off and the camera followed him down the hall as he exited the building. "...shoulda sang 'She Bangs'," he muttered, "I do that one great in the shower..."


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 30th, 2006 06:25 am (UTC)
ROFL, I'd not seen this story before, but given how bad my night has been, this was a perfect one to read it.

Love you best.

Oct. 1st, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
I'm glad this gave you a laugh. I can't believe I hadn't shown it to you before, but atleast it gave you something to read when you needed amusement. *grin*

Love you lots.
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 15th, 2010 03:35 am (UTC)
As avid a reader as you are I'd have thought my LJ would hold no more surprises for you. ;-) I'm glad you found this and liked it. It's kind of dated now but I think it's still relatable if one watches the show.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )



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