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By The Book

Title: By the Book
Rating: PG
Characters: Lord of the Rings (various)
Genre: Humor

AN: This story is dedicated to my friend and all around good sport militaryhistory in response to his story "A Letter". You can find this story here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4713979/1/A_Letter

*LOTRCA - Lord of the Rings Characters Association


Aragorn and Frodo were sitting in front of a campfire on the Fields of Cormallen, sharing a smoke and contemplating their good fortune. Sauron was gone, thanks to the last noble sacrifice of that strange woman who had joined them halfway through the quest.

None of the nine had ever met her before, indeed no one believed her at first to be female so great had been her prowess with weapons and her extraordinary strength and endurance. They had all liked her well enough at first, she was witty, charming, and could whip up a brace of coneys to rival Sam at his best one minute and gut an Orc with her magic glowing sword the next, all without turning a hair. But she was also arrogant and insubordinate to the point that Frodo and Sam had set off for Mordor alone rather than put up with her another minute.

Of course taking Sam along was Frodo's idea. He, Merry and Pippin had the tendency to get up to that queer behavior when left to their own devices and Frodo was determined to nip that in the bud. How was he to know Merry and Pippin would be kidnapped by orcs naught but fifteen minutes later? He had to laugh to himself at his foolishness now the whole affair was over.

Fortunately, the strange woman with the two first names had left the group in a huff when she discovered that Aragorn was betrothed and Legolas was underage by his people's standards. The last they heard, and this from Gandalf just the previous eve, was that she had been in the process of seducing Sauron when Frodo and Sam were reaching the crack of doom. With the Dark Lord's attention turned elsewhere the quest was assured and everyone had come through fine. How was Aragorn to know the woman would draw Sauron's attention from the Black Gate at the crucial moment, making the final battle with all the Gondorians and Rohirrim unnecessary? He chuckled through his pipe smoke at his foolishness.

As he and Frodo chatted amiably over the campfire, Gimli wandered by.

"Hi, Gimli," Frodo said, and Aragorn nodded a greeting as well.

"Hi, Frodo, Aragorn," Gimli said and continued on.

Across the way Elladan and Elrohir were engaged in one of their famous arguments.

"What I'm saying," Elladan said, "is that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared."

"Yes, but that fails to take String Theory into account," Elrohir asserted.

"Screw this," Elladan said, "let's go find some dirty whores."

Aragorn and Frodo watched them make for the tents of the camp followers.

"They are so smart," Frodo remarked.

"And yet they've never made the connection between their whoring and their genital warts."

"Well, microbiology is a whole different area of study," Frodo said.

Aragorn nodded just as Elrond, Thranduil, Legolas, Glorfindel, and Haldir walked by in animated conversation. They all looked like they had been rolling in mud. Frodo had never seen a group of Elves so dirty and smelly, though they seemed in grand spirits.

"Human females turn my stomach," Thranduil was saying.

"That is something I think we can all agree on," said Elrond. "Why, my lady wife, a beautiful Elf woman named Celebrian, is as a goddess compared to that pasty Rohan shieldmaiden, or indeed any mortal female. I am greatly vexed at our separation."

"Not to fuel the rivalry between Imladris and the Greenwood," Thranduil replied, "but your wife is the Zelda Fitzgerald of Middle-earth. My lovely, available lady wife, on the other hand, is equally beautiful and is also an Elf." His voice swelled with pride. "Why, just look at the fine, heterosexual Elf son we raised. I can't wait to get back to Mirkwood and give her a proper rogering."

Legolas blushed but Haldir and Glorfindel laughed heartily.

"Someday Glorfindel and I will find ourselves beautiful Elf women and then we too shall marry and raise fine sons," Haldir said.

"And I as well!" shouted Legolas as they moved out of earshot.

"Arwen is faithful and true, and the love of my life," Aragorn said. "No one could ever take her away from me."

"I think Faramir feels the same about Éowyn," Frodo said. "I hope they are both doing well in the House of Healing."

"Based on the last time I saw them before we set out, I'd say a wedding is in the offing," Aragorn said with a wink.

Frodo broke into a wide smile. "You don't say."

"Yes, and I'm glad of it. He's been through so much losing both Boromir and Denethor."

"Boromir and Faramir shall always be men of honor," Frodo said. "Too bad their father was such a shitheel."

Just then Éomer approached.

"Speaking of men of honor," Aragorn said. "Well met Éomer."

"Well met, Aragorn, Frodo," said Éomer doffing his helm and giving a little bow.

"I am weary, Aragorn," he said with a sigh. "Here I have fought all these battles and still I do not rate the attentions of women with brightly colored hair and unusually shaped and tinted eyes. Perhaps now that the war is won I can find someone suitable to settle down with."

Just then Imrahil walked by arm in arm with his daughter Lothiriel and Éomer's head turned to watch her pass as if pulled by an invisible string.

"Excuse me, I think I shall go make that young lady's acquaintance," Éomer said. "She is pretty, looks spunky and as though she could post quite a trot." With another small bow he hastened away.

"Her name may not be "Sue" but I have an omen that one will cause him no end of trouble," Frodo said with a frown.

"Only among those geeky enough to read footnotes," Aragorn replied. He then stood and stretched, drawing himself up to his full, impressive height.

"Well that seems to take care of all the LOTRCA* rules. I think I'll turn in."

Frodo was squinting at a piece of paper in the firelight.

"You know, in the sections on slash I don't see your name or mine. You say no one can ever take you away from Arwen, which is admirable indeed, but how do you feel about a side journey on your trek toward holy matrimony?"

Aragorn reached down to snatch the page away and studied it closely. "Well I'll be. You're right. It seems we've been granted a loophole."

"And Hobbits can fit the most amazingly small holes," Frodo grinned.

"This will save me a trip to the camp followers' camp," Aragorn said as he and Frodo headed back to his tent.

"Wait, you mean. . .? But what about Arwen?" Frodo asked.

"Hey, I'm committed not dead, little buddy," Aragorn laughed. "Say, how tall are you when you stand on your tiptoes?"

"About three foot six and a half."

"That'll do, pig. That'll do."



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