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The Unbearable Smugness of Being (Fëanor)

Title: The Unbearable Smugness of Being (Fëanor)
Rating: PG
Characters: Feanor, Melkor, Eru
Genre: Humor Summary: The void beyond the stars becomes rather crowded.
Beta: Jael
AN: What kind of egotist would you have to be to think this story is about you?



****************************************************************


Floating in the cold, soulless void beyond the stars, Feanor was surprised to find he was no longer alone.

"Melkor?" he groaned. "What are you doing here?"

"Same as you it would seem," Melkor snapped testily. "What about you? I thought your spirit was consumed by fire."

"And so it was, but just as the flame of a snuffed candle ends in lightless oblivion, so too does a spirit consumed by fire I guess," Feanor's incorporeal remnant shrugged.

"Oh."

Thus fell a silence of an hundred years.

"So," Melkor said at last, "what do you do for fun around here?"

"You're looking at it."

"But there's nothing to see."

"Precisely."

"Oh."

Thus fell a silence of two and an hundred years.

"It's kind of ironic when you think about it," Melkor mused.

"What?"

"How we both lusted after light, were jealous even, and then we end up like this, in the dark."

"I don't think that word means what you think it means," Feanor said.

"What word?"

"Ironic."

"Contrary to what is expected or intended."

"That's one meaning," Feanor smirked.

"You want to know your problem?" Melkor accused.

"Oh, yes, please, do tell," Feanor said in his most Feanorianly derisive tone.

"That's it right there," Melkor griped. "You're smug, that's what you are."

"I think you mean cynical," Feanor offered. "Oh, the irony, that one with your gifts of prevarication and deceit should have such poor communication skills."

"Quit telling me what I mean, you miserable lout!" Melkor shouted. "If it wasn't for you and your stupid shiny jewels neither of us would be here."

"It's a risk of creation that others will either covet or ridicule your work. Yet those whose wills are bent only on the corruption and censure of the works of others, be it from pride or resentment, they who know not the joy and freedom of creation, must needs suffer in their own self-imposed and ignominious exile, their hearts shut ever from the light they seek to destroy," Feanor said sadly.

"Asshat," Melkor mumbled.

"Name calling is the riposte of a tiny mind," Feanor huffed.

"Smug prick," Melkor rejoined.

"Yeah? Well so's your old man," Feanor countered with considerably less eloquence than was his wont.

"Tell me about it," Melkor sighed. "Nothing I ever did was good enough for him."

"Try having a half brother who goes all noble on you when you're trying to keep the Valar from stealing your jewels."

Melkor gave a snide chuckle. "Couldn't protect your jewels, huh? No wonder you were unmanned."

"You are so immature," Feanor sniffed.

"Hey, you set 'em up, I'm gonna knock 'em down," Melkor laughed. "Grow a sense of humor why don'tcha."

"If you're going to be a putz I'm not going to talk to you anymore," Feanor said crossly.

"Fine by me, no skin off my nose."

"Considering you don't have skin."

"I thought you weren't talking."

"I'm not. That was my last comment."

"Except for the comment you just made."

More galling even than his banishment at the hands of the Valar was it for Feanor to speak not in the face of this most obvious attempt to get him to break his word, but speak not he did.

Thus fell a silence of time out of mind.

"Oh, come on," Melkor finally spoke, "give me a break here. We both got a raw deal."

"We sure did. If I had known I was going to have to share a void with you, I'd have pitched all three of those stones into the sea to begin with," Feanor groused.

"I can swim," Melkor said cavalierly.

"You are working my last nerve here," Feanor growled.

"What are you gonna do about it, Elf boy?" Melkor challenged.

Pushed beyond his limit, Feanor flew at the sound of Melkor's voice and what bits of matter were left of them slammed into each other, imploding in their fury and then blasting outward into the void with a really Big Bang! Their creative and destructive forces mingled and coalesced, gasses formed and ignited into stars, and in due course a small, round, wet sphere formed.

Eru Ilúvatar looked over the design and nodded approvingly. Round, yes, he should have thought of that before. Weary of the old creations, which had been so ultimately disappointing, Eru thought he might take a break this time and let evolution have a go. See where the day might take him, so to speak.

Eventually he grew bored watching the dinosaurs duke it out, and so created people - who then invented steroids and professional wrestling - and thus the circles of the world are circles indeed.

Comments

( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
heartofoshun
Feb. 23rd, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
Nicely done. A couple of themes seem to be following me around this week--smugness, of course, and friends who think dead elves are funny. Well, as they say, one can't pick one's family, but only one's friends...so I guess I've set myself up. It is lovely for a change to see such a beautifully restrained Feanor--you made it all the way to the bottom of the last page before he loses it. Steroids and professional wrestling--and still people complain that I would rather think about elves than men. (Or maybe you like those pictures of pumped-up guys that someone I know occasionally posts at a certain writer's group as inspiration for her characters? No way does my Elladan look like a professional wrestler.)



ignoblebard
Feb. 23rd, 2007 04:04 am (UTC)
I think that's why Eru gave up on Elves, not enough drama, or was it too much drama? lol Either way he knew he'd at least be rid of people eventually. Planned obsolescence always ensures something new. :-)
martonsmistress
Feb. 23rd, 2007 04:07 am (UTC)
Bravisimo, my love! I don't know how many times I almost spit water over my keyboard. I truly do love your sarcastic humor and wit in the humor stories you write. Keep up the good work babe!

Love, Me
ignoblebard
Feb. 23rd, 2007 04:36 am (UTC)
And you're always so good to read them. lol Thanks, as always, for your encouragement and support. You're the greatest, babe.
scarlet1061
Feb. 23rd, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
In the Year 2525
I enjoyed it.
I'm not "in the loop" of the "smag" thing, but I could see some connection....


"Eru Ilúvatar looked over the design and nodded approvingly. Round, yes, he should have thought of that before. Weary of the old creations, which had been so ultimately disappointing, Eru thought he might take a break this time and let evolution have a go. See where the day might take him, so to speak."
....
For some reason, reading this paragraph reminded me of the last verses of that song:
"In the year 8585, 9595 and last, in the year 10,000..."

Did you mean for it? or was it just my own imagination taking me there?


Thank you,
Scarlet

ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 02:08 am (UTC)
Re: In the Year 2525
Scarlet,

You know, I had forgotten that song until you mentioned it. It was one of my favorites back in the day, so dark and dystopic. Perfect for the angsty teen I was then. *grin*

Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :-)
buttonbright
Feb. 23rd, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
Nice one, bunnyboy! And the punchline is the best part! After all the corporeal banging that goes on in our slashy world, it's hilarious to see these incorporeal entities accidentally setting off The Big Bang. "Round, yes . . ." Priceless!
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 02:46 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it, squeezie! I've always thought one good bang deserves another. ;-) Yeah, I know. I'm so immature. lol
crowdaughter
Feb. 23rd, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
Hi, Ignoblebard!

What a lovely story, and much fun! So, our universe was created by a mingling of the greatest and proudest and the incurably greediest and haughtiest of the Valar, as well as by the greatest creator and most hot-tempered drama-queen among the Elves. That explains a lot... :)
Thank you for a good laugh, that was a great story!

Aislynn

* Sorry, for the double posting. First comment has been edited for darn spelling errors!
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 02:50 am (UTC)
Aislynn,

As always, it's good to see you. It does explain a lot about how our universe got the way it is, doesn't it? *grin* I love the image of Feanor as a "hot tempered drama queen". lol That's the best description yet.
greywing12
Feb. 23rd, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC)
Oh I LOVE this! Especially the "thus fell a silence of" bits. Lol. Ingenious! And Feanor is insufferable, isn't he?
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 03:04 am (UTC)
It's not as good as Mandos's administrative assistant (that still cracks me up) but not too shabby, eh? Feanor? Insufferable? He's just misunderstood. ;-)
greywing12
Feb. 24th, 2007 12:58 pm (UTC)
No, it's not as good, it's much better! :) Been reading it a bit and love this:

"Eru thought he might take a break this time and let evolution have a go. See where the day might take him, so to speak. "

I've always wondered about the lack of evolutionary origins of the sentient beings in Middle Earth (well, for the Elves, anyway). And the bit about Eru being bored makes me laugh!
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
Hmm... Well maybe they had an evolutionary history that was never recorded. Tolkien's narrator had a lot on his plate. Maybe the evolutionary history of Middle Earth should be written by a someone with the appropriate background. *hint, hint*
(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you like both stories. I'd be honored if you friended me. I warn you, though, I write a lot of slash. :-)
(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Feb. 24th, 2007 11:38 pm (UTC)
Hey, I didn't know you were a slash writer too. Cool! Now I'm curious about the Gandalf romance. Love your icon too, btw. I had to read it three times for my mind to register what it says. ;-)
telperion1
Feb. 24th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC)
IgnobleBard, I cannot remember when I've laughed this hard. It's been too long.

(Actually, come to think of it, the last time had something to do with spider-silk doilies and unpublishable suggestions about Haldir...)

So yeah, I loved this throughout, but the bit that really got me was Melkor's comment that he could swim. I don't know why that came off as so hilarious, but it did.

I am friending you as well if you don't mind. I don't write much slash but I do think about it a lot so will not find it at all offensive, don't worry on that count.

(This is Marta, btw)
ignoblebard
Feb. 25th, 2007 12:16 am (UTC)
Marta,

Sure you can friend me, the more the merrier I always say! I'm glad you liked the bit about Melkor swimming. He always has an answer, doesnt't he? *grin* Also, thanks for your comments on the spider story too. Jael gives me so many good ideas. I just wish I had time to write them all. :-)
greywing12
Feb. 25th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
I love your icon-- it's perfect! :D
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )