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A Boy and His Lob

Title: A Boy and His Lob
Characters: Legolas, Haldir, Thranduil
Rating: PG
Beta: Jael
Genre: Humor, slash implied

Legolas showed the march-warden to the guest quarters and Haldir began to unpack, giving Legolas a lovely view as he bent over his satchel and his tunic hiked up over his hips. 


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  Summary: Charlotte's Web, LOTR style.

AN: This story idea was given to me by the inimitable Randy O, who knows all of the questionable activities that take place in Mirkwood. :-)

Legolas coaxed the small spider through the doorway of his room, looking around guiltily. If Thranduil caught him he'd get a good tongue lashing, but he felt an obligation to look after the tiny, shoulder-high spider. He had killed its mother thinking she was attacking him, but she had only been protecting her baby. Legolas had felt sorry for the frightened spiderling and fed it a few black moths and squirrels. As a result, it followed him back to the stronghold, a look of adoration in its eight beady eyes.

He led the spider to a corner and pointed up at the ceiling. "Would you be more comfortable up there?" he asked.

With a soft clicking of its mandibles that Legolas took to be a "yes", the spider climbed up and began to spin itself a nice, soft bed. Legolas stood watching it for a few moments, and when the spider's eyes began to close, he slipped over and sat on the bed, heaving a troubled sigh. Thranduil had told him no more pets after that time years ago when he had brought home a black squirrel and the unexpectedly carnivorous creature had eaten one of the chambermaids. His father could be so harsh!

"Ada sucks black moth balls," Legolas said petulantly, surprised when his new pet made an excited squeaking sound and began to spin wildly. Legolas watched in fascination as the web stretched out like a lacy doily across the corner below the spider. When the spider stopped spinning, Legolas' jaw dropped to see 'Ada sucks black moth balls', woven into the middle of the web in tengwar script.

Legolas snatched up the web and saw that it would, indeed, make the perfect doily. He put it on his dresser under a bud vase and it really made the room pop. A smile spread over his face as he thought of all the elleth and/or ellon tail he could get with a gift such as this. He stroked the spider's wiry-haired head and began to murmur endearments.

Several weeks later, Thranduil announced that a contingent of march-wardens was coming from Lothlórien for a conference on border guarding techniques. Legolas groaned. He hated being cooped up in a lecture hall all day, looking at boring and crudely drawn visual aids while some guard trainer, who had never seen a march let alone wardened one, droned on and on about vigilance and teamwork.

The day before the seminar the Lothlórien elves arrived, led by Haldir who would be giving the keynote address. Legolas showed the march-warden to the guest quarters and Haldir began to unpack, giving Legolas a lovely view as he bent over his satchel and his tunic hiked up over his hips.

Smitten, Legolas found it difficult to think of anything but Haldir all through the happy hour and subsequent banquet for the Lothlórien guests. He tried to mingle at happy hour, sidling up to Haldir to engage him in conversation, but one of the Mirkwood consultants spilled a drink down his back and Legolas had to go change. He tried again at the banquet but because he was "prince" and "must sit at the king's table" he was forced to watch Haldir, sitting at the back of the hall, all but snog one of the lesser Mirkwood guards.

Frustrated and tipsy, Legolas fell into bed that night and tried to sleep, but all he could see was Haldir's face, and all he could feel was the breath of that blasted spider that had grown to the size of a war horse and now took up the better part of his room. He ended up tossing and turning until he could take no more, then he gave in and relieved his pent up need.

The next morning he blinked and rolled out of bed, squeezing past the spider to the washbasin and slipping on a floor full of spider doilies. Blearily he picked one up and stared at it in shock. On it was woven in loving script, "You have a nice ass, Haldir."

Legolas dropped it and picked up another, and another, sifting through them frantically as he discovered the "nice ass" doily was the least obscene of the bunch. A knock sounded on the door and doilies flew everywhere as Legolas jumped in surprise.

"Who is it?" he called out shakily.

"Your father," Thranduil's irritable voice said. "Haldir is with me. We are here to walk you to breakfast."

"Uh… How about if I join you in the dining hall?" Legolas said. "I have some cleaning up to do."

Undeterred, Thranduil opened the door and stepped in, crying out in horror at the sight of the giant spider. Haldir rushed in behind him, and cried out as well, but his eyes were on Legolas, clutching a huge silken doily to his chest that clearly said, "You have a nice ass, Haldir."

"What is this abomination?" Thranduil and Haldir cried in unison. Then they stopped and looked at each other.

"Spider!" Thranduil shouted.

"Doily!" Haldir cried.

The two looked again at Legolas and the spider.

"Doily?" Thranduil said.

"Spider?" Haldir said.

Both cried out and scrambled out of the room, their shoulders wedging briefly in the doorway as they tried to exit at the same time.

Legolas watched them go, collapsing on the bed, throwing one arm over his face, and crumpling the doily in his fist.

Legolas did not attend the conference. Thranduil gave out that he was ill from a spider bite but Legolas was actually tending his oversize pet. The poor spider had exhausted himself making all those doilies and was lying near death. The animal healers could do nothing for the fading arachnid and Legolas held its hairy foot and sang a wordless song as it slipped away. With tears in his eyes, the prince left his pet for the healers to dispose of, a task they complained about for years after.

He went back to his room and gathered the obscene doilies, not entirely sure of what to do with them. They were quite durable and beautifully woven, and nearly all contained Haldir's name. He placed them in a box one by one to take and bury in the forest, noticing one was conspicuously absent. He searched his room but could not find it anywhere. Giving up, he took the box and headed for the great outdoors, but Thranduil was waiting for him at the doorway.

"Where are you taking those?" he asked.

"I must take them to the forest and bury them, Father, else the others see my shame," Legolas sighed.

"Don't be ridiculous," Thranduil snapped. "We can trade them in Lake Town for wine. The people there won't know what they say."

And so, all unawares, Haldir became famous in Lake Town as Legolas' words of passion graced the tables and dressers of the ladies there. Eventually, Legolas had cause to visit Lothlórien on a very special quest and Haldir invited him to his talan. As Haldir poured him a drink, Legolas could not help but notice the silken doily under a bud vase that sat on an end table. All he could think of is how the accent piece really made the talan pop.




( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 14th, 2007 04:23 am (UTC)
Ohhh poor spiderling!!! It works in excess hehe
Feb. 14th, 2007 05:34 am (UTC)
Legolas just wore the poor thing out. Kind of makes me wish I was a spider. *grin*

Thanks for your comments.
Feb. 14th, 2007 04:49 am (UTC)
Ah, this is great. Nothing like a spider doily to really pull a room together. Thranduil was clearly overreacting. Heh.
Feb. 14th, 2007 05:40 am (UTC)
Those doilies really dress up a room. And they never slide off the table because they're sticky. lol And, yes, Thranduil just seems not to be an animal lover. Very sad for an Elf. *shakes head*

Ooh, how do I enroll in Elrohir's school of awesomeness? It's not that I'm not awesome now, mind you. I just feel the need to kick my awesomeness up to the next level. You know, the kind of awesomeness that makes your teeth hurt to look upon it. lol
Feb. 14th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
You go check out flaming_bee, where awesomeness lessons should be posted irregularly.
Feb. 17th, 2007 02:29 am (UTC)
I love the awesomeness lessons, in fact the whole site is a crack up. After reading the lj, I'm thinking I may have gone to high school with Elrohir. lol

Feb. 14th, 2007 10:22 am (UTC)
I'm reading this for the third time and I still find it amusing!

I want that doily.
Feb. 17th, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
I'd love a doily like that too. I'm beginning to think we could make quite a lot of money if we knew how to make them.
Feb. 14th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC)
Have I already told you 16 times how much I like the phrase "really made the talan pop"? I got all mixed up about the title though--I thought it was called "Haldir Has a Nice Ass." (I probably got you confused with Kenaz--no I did not. That was a feeble attempt at a joke.) I grew up in an Irish working-class family where decorating meant doilies (that's a poor joke too and one that would horrify my long-suffering mother--she disappeared all the doilies as soon as my grandma died).
Feb. 17th, 2007 01:41 am (UTC)
I'd take it as a compliment to be confused with Kenaz. *grin* And the nice ass line was from Randy O, as was the story idea. He's a whiz that way. My grandmother didn't crochet, so she never made doilies, but strangely enough my brother does. lol It's a nutty world.
Feb. 17th, 2007 01:44 am (UTC)
I adore Kenaz, but then I am always telling you that. It was actually a Haldir joke not a Kenaz joke.
Aug. 4th, 2010 06:43 pm (UTC)
So cute and funny and perfect to light up my very rainy evening :-)
Aug. 7th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
Glad you got a laugh out of this one, malinorne. Thanks for your comments.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )



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