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A Nasty Surprise

Title: A Nasty Surprise
Rating: PG
Characters: Witch King, Firefoot
Genre: Humor


Written for the B2ME Bingo prompts Crackfic – Unlikely pairings, All Creatures Foul and Fair – Eomer’s horse Firefoot, Five Books Five Characters – The Witch King, Crackfic – characters discover fanfiction, Textures – fuzzy

The Witch King lounged in bed with his legs crossed at the ankles and three big fluffy pillows at his back. His black terrycloth robe was still slightly damp from his shower and his feet were encased in fuzzy pink Gothmog slippers. He was reading Forbes on his iPad through a pair of wraith spectacles perched on his skeletal nose, dissatisfied to see he had missed making the list of the 100 Most Predatory CEOs for the fifth straight year. Suddenly the Imperial March from Star Wars alerted him to a new email and he toggled over to his AOL account.

There was a message saying he'd won the Indonesian lottery, one offering to make him bigger, which made him roll his eyes. As if. But the newest one caught his attention, it was from sauronsmokeskhamuls@outervoid.com. He grimaced, as always, at the screen name. Khamûl had to be the most annoying of the nine with his stupid puns and practical jokes. Like the time he replaced Sauron’s gloves over several weeks with bigger and bigger sizes, leading the Dark Lord to worry that his hands were shrinking and that when he reclaimed the One Ring he would have to have it resized.

The subject line on the email read "Fanfiction" and he frowned with the expression he always got when concentrating on stabbing someone. He had recently become aware of fanfiction when he had read an article about the popularity of Twilight and discovered it was not about the uses of shadow in interior design as he had supposed, but was instead some sort of teenage romance with vampires and werewolves. Completely unrealistic versions of vampires and werewolves at that. But this, this link was to a website that hosted an archive of fanfiction, specifically slash fanfiction, and even more specifically a section devoted to stories about the Witch King of Angmar and. . . just about everyone. Here he was torturing and then seducing a terrified Faramir, forcing himself on an initially unwilling Legolas, sharing a tender moment with a surprisingly romantic Sauron, cozening a sweetly innocent Pippin.

He scanned each one with growing horror and anger. How dare these feeble mortals write him as some sort of mad rapist or clingy, angsty marshmallow-headed shmoop! He was a witch KING dammit!

He jumped out of bed and began pacing, gesturing wildly and ranting. “They will pay for this! I will call for my Fell Lamborghini and hunt them down one by one until none are left. Each and every one of them will feel my terrible wrath and despair!”

Firefoot rolled over and turned on the bedside lamp. “Now honey, don’t get all worked up. You know what the witch doctor said about your bloodless pressure. Come back to bed and forget these silly stories. Nobody reads that stuff anyway.”

The Witch King complied with a frustrated sigh. “I suppose you’re right, dear,” he said, turning off his iPad and giving Firefoot a peck on the cheek before falling back into bed.

Firefoot snapped off the light and surreptitiously pushed a notebook under his pillow with the latest chapter of his crossover novel about a young woman torn between her love for a vampire and a royal wraith.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
chaotic_binky
Jan. 2nd, 2013 10:38 pm (UTC)
Like the time he replaced Sauron’s gloves over several weeks with smaller and smaller sizes, leading the Dark Lord to worry that his hands were shrinking

That had me laughing out loud!

I love crackfic and you are really good at it :D
ignoblebard
Jan. 2nd, 2013 11:37 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Binky! I'm glad this gave you a laugh. Crackfic is definitely fun to write. :-)
nelyo_russandol
Jan. 3rd, 2013 03:19 pm (UTC)
I don't know what's my favourite, the image of the witch-king wearing pink Gothmog slippers, his fell Lamborghini (also pink?) or the titles of the messages he gets in his iPad! And the bloodless pressure, LOLOL. I kept chuckling all along.

I think I'll settle for "How dare these feeble mortals write him as some sort of mad rapist or clingy, angsty marshmallow-headed shmoop! He was a witch KING dammit!"

Poor witch-king, what a shock to discover slashy fanfiction. I wonder how long before he discovers what Firefoot (LOL) is up to.


ignoblebard
Jan. 3rd, 2013 04:45 pm (UTC)
I think Firefoot has been pretty good hiding his hobby so far. What the Witch King doesn't know is that half those stories he saw were written by Firefoot.

Thanks so much for your comments and I hope the coming year is kind to you and your muses.
virtuella
Feb. 13th, 2013 10:44 pm (UTC)
Hehehe, that's funny, especially the Fell Lamborghini. The ending isn't half bad either. :)
ignoblebard
Feb. 15th, 2013 10:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks, for your comments Virtuella. It's good to see you around again. I thought the Fell Lamborghini was pretty funny too. :-)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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