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No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Title: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Rating: R
Pairing: Aragorn/Kitten
Genres: Humor, Slash

For Randy.



*********************************************


Aragorn made his way carefully down the steep mountain path. It was slow going along the narrow strip of rock that hugged the sheer cliff face upon which he was precariously balanced. He raised his eyes to check the way ahead and grimaced to see a gap of perhaps six feet where the path had eroded from the weather, and possibly a rock slide as well, so abrupt was the drop.

Edging along, his fingers clinging to the minute cracks in the rock wall at his back, he made his way toward the gap. Sweat glistened on his brow in the sunlight as he paused to gauge the distance with a practiced eye. As he readied himself to make the jump, securing his weapons and pack, testing their balance, he was startled by a sudden echoing cry.

For a moment he hung suspended in space, his fingers scrabbling for purchase on the nearly smooth stone, two fingernails breaking to the quick as he sought to maintain his stability, but then he halted his forward motion just shy of tumbling from the ledge. He stood motionless, breathing heavily, when he heard the sound again. The seconds ticked by yet he remained still and listened, for the sound, while not human, was not that of a wild animal either.

The sound came again and this time there was no mistaking the plaintive meow that resounded from below where he stood. With a minimum of movement, he tugged a kerchief from his pocket and wiped his bleeding fingers. Then, with a slow, deep intake of breath he peered over the edge of the broken path.

Scarce could he believe his eyes at the sight that greeted him. A tiny black kitten sat trembling on an outcrop of rock, no larger than his hand, a good fifteen feet below. The kitten craned its neck to look up at him with bright green eyes and mewed softly as though, having caught his attention, it now requested rescue.

Aragorn considered making the attempt but immediately dismissed the thought. It would be the height of folly to consider such a thing with his situation at a delicate balance. Yet how could he leave an innocent creature to certain death on the side of a mountain? He glanced back down again to see the kitten huddled with its feet tucked beneath it, shivering miserably. No, he would have to do something. But how could he climb down with nowhere to tie a rope?

He decided that first he must cross the gap in the path before attempting to render aid. It would not bode well for the kitten even should he catch it to plunge them both to their respective deaths. Gathering himself he eyed the distance, determined the necessary speed and strength he would need, and gave a mighty leap!

For the breath of a second he thought he had missed, but then his feet found the solid path and, knees bent, he froze until he was certain he was stable enough to stand upright. The path was slightly wider on this side and he was able to turn with relative ease. A quick peek over the ledge showed the kitten still squatting upon its perch, its eyes searching upward at the sound of the small shower of dust and pebbles dislodged by Aragorn’s jump.

Having made it safely across, he could now turn his attention to how to reach the unfortunate kitten. An idea struck him and he dug in his pack for a bit of twine. He tied the twine to the end of a rope and with the other end he tied his kerchief into a ball wrapped with the twine. Then he put a small feather at the bottom of the ball and lowered the rope down to where the kitten sat.

The kitten watched with interest, its eyes following the progress of the rope as it descended. When it was directly over the kitten Aragorn stopped the rope’s progress and, with a flick of his hand, made the ball wiggle and dance. The kitten sat up, its eyes glued to the strange device. Forgetting the danger, the kitten went up on its hind legs to swat at the ball and Aragorn lowered it just enough for the kitten to sink its claws in deeply. He then began to haul the rope up with the deftness of a fisherman. For its part, the kitten was so engaged in trying to bite at the feather that it held on with tenacious determination. When the kitten was within reach, Aragorn swiftly seized it and gently detached its claws from the twine wrapped ball. The kitten looked at him indignantly and squirmed a little, but soon settled down when Aragorn held it to his breast and stroked it gently.

“Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. . .” he crooned as he eased his way along the path. The kitten yawned mightily and began to purr, content to lie in Aragorn’s sure hands.

It wasn’t long before the path widened and Aragorn began his descent, coming at last to the foothills just as night began to fall. He found a sheltering space on the lee side of a boulder and made camp. There was no firewood about so he made a meal of jerky and waybread and laid out his bedroll.

He fed the kitten tidbits of his meal and let it play with the ball and twine. It was a pretty little thing, black as night and soft as a bunny. Its large green eyes looked at him adoringly and Aragorn’s heart melted. Perhaps when he returned to Imladris he would gift the kitten to Arwen. What a charming pet the little darling would make. Finally, he lay down and the kitten curled up on his chest as he drifted off to sleep.

It was late, so late the moon had sunk behind the mountain, when Aragorn was awakened by a slight weight on his spine, a soft paw on his neck. He realized he was on his stomach, which was odd because he always slept on his back. He tried to shift, to turn over, but he was frozen to the spot. He felt sharp claws catch in his leggings, shredding them from his hips with a loud ripping sound. He managed to turn his head and the sight that met his eyes made his blood run cold. Two glowing green feline eyes met his and a set of sharp teeth beneath grinned an evil grin.

‘Manwe’s rock hard nipples, the kitten!’ Aragorn’s horrifed mind screamed.

He began to struggle but the kitten’s silky grip was like iron. Soft fur hips made contact with his naked buttocks and a with a sudden endearing jab he was pierced. He cried out, trying to will himself to another time and place as the kitten pounded adorably into him.

‘This can’t be happening!’ Aragorn thought, his mind reeling at the implications. Then, to his everlasting horror, he felt his body respond to the captivating sensations coursing through him. Never had he experienced sex so explicitly dirty and so darned cute at the same time. His struggling changed from trying to free himself from the kitten’s paw to staying his impending orgasm, and with as little success. At the fatal moment, he heard deep rumbling laughter ring in his ears and he passed out from the sweet pleasure.

When he came to, he was alone. The night wind tickled the grasses and all was still. Aragorn sat up and drew his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth until the first light of dawn seeped over the mountain top. If not for the scratches on his hams and thighs he would have taken the incident for a dream, but it was no dream. He swore to himself he would never speak of the unspeakably precious rape he had been subjected to. Eventually, he picked himself up, skinned out of his leggings, and patched them as best he could.

He made for the nearest body of water and washed himself thoroughly, trying to remove all trace of the dear little kitty’s stain, but the taint was deep, as deep as his manly ranger soul. He made his way back to Imladris at last but could not bring himself to seek healing from Elrond.

Then one day Elrond called a council to decide the fate of Isildur’s bane. Aragorn leapt at the chance to go on a suicide mission to prove himself. Elrond thought Aragorn was determined to fulfill his pledge to Arwen, others thought it was for renown, glory, or the kingship of Gondor he fought. But only Aragorn knew the true reason. Only Aragorn and the cutest little ball of fluff Sauron had ever turned to the shadows. It was only after his master fell that the rogue Maia had time to reflect on his folly. If not for his deception the Dark Lord might have won all and he might have had a place at his master’s right hand. . .

Manwe set a bowl of hated cream before the kitten while Varda stroked his tiny head and scratched behind his ears. The kitten thought there might be worse ways to spend eternity, but at the moment he couldn’t think of a single one.

Comments

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
drummerwench
Dec. 18th, 2009 05:13 am (UTC)
"..."
*tries again*
"......."
*fails*
Mwahahaha!!!!11!!1!
see, there are no words for my reaction, just helpless LOLing and eye-wiping...
ignoblebard
Dec. 18th, 2009 05:25 am (UTC)
I try to write fluff, I really do, but this always seems to be the result. lol Glad you liked this drummerwench.
scarlet1061
Dec. 18th, 2009 07:17 am (UTC)
"Manwe set a bowl of hated cream before the kitten while Varda stroked his tiny head and scratched behind his ears. The kitten thought there might be worse ways to spend eternity but at the moment he couldn't think of a single one."

There were several parts I wanted to react to, but this quote... Ahem, Indeed the worst there can be for a fluffy little kitty....

LOL, thank you for a good laugh, on a stormy day :-)
ignoblebard
Dec. 18th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC)
For a fluffy little evil kitty. lol Thanks Scarlet, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
pandemonium_213
Dec. 18th, 2009 12:49 pm (UTC)
Goddammit, IgBee! I just thoroughly Jackson Pollocked my monitor with coffee.

And this...

Never had he experienced sex so explicitly dirty and so darned cute at the same time.

...is going to make me burst out into laughter at random times during the day when I think of it.

And my sides hurt.
ignoblebard
Dec. 18th, 2009 01:35 pm (UTC)
*hangs head* The monitor is in the mail. (I now have room full of them just for you. lol)

I tell you, Randy is a bad influence on me. I was planning to write a Christmas story but ended up with this.

I can't wait to see your Stinky Pete cartoon.
lissas_elves
Dec. 18th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
You really had me fooled (bard's writing fluff?!?) with the picture of the cute little kitten and the ball of twine and everything (although the dedication to Randy probably ought to have warned me). XD

I hope Aragorn's manly ranger soul (LMAO!) healed after the war.
ignoblebard
Dec. 19th, 2009 03:24 am (UTC)
If I fooled anyone into thinking I was writing a true fluff story with a kitten, then my goal was accomplished. *evil grin*

Randy is a bad influence on me, I'm afraid.

"I hope Aragorn's manly ranger soul (LMAO!) healed after the war."

After he married Arwen and had children he was able to get past it somewhat. lol

crowdaughter
Dec. 20th, 2009 01:11 am (UTC)
After he married Arwen and had children he was able to get past it somewhat. lol

Although Arwen might have been a bit irritated about the demand that she should "purr to him" when in the throes of passion, and hios admiration of her silken, fluffy, black... er, hair. Um. ;)
(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Dec. 19th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
Not sure whether to laugh or cry, huh? My writing has that effect on a lot of people. :-)

(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Dec. 19th, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
Don't worry. No rangers were harmed in the writing of this fic. lol
(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Dec. 20th, 2009 04:55 am (UTC)
"You have traumatized me for life. :P"

Oh, dear!

"I felt deliciously uncomfortable reading it"

Not as uncomfortable as Aragorn I'll bet. lol
randy_o
Dec. 19th, 2009 01:32 am (UTC)
Slash Meets Fluff. Fluff PWNs Slash.

Now we know why Tolkien was an ailurophobe.
ignoblebard
Dec. 19th, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
Because he knew one day this story would be written! *ominous organ music*
crowdaughter
Dec. 20th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
O_O I only found this now. Poor Aragorn, subjected to the lust of evil and deceptive Tevildo... in such a sweet, enticing way. Loved te end, too! ^^


Well done. ;D
ignoblebard
Dec. 20th, 2009 05:02 am (UTC)
Thanks Aislynn, I'm glad you liked it. It's always the innocent looking ones one has to watch out for, isn't it? ;-)
kmojo_1
Jan. 15th, 2010 06:28 pm (UTC)
LOL! I loves you! *huggles*
ignoblebard
Jan. 16th, 2010 08:08 pm (UTC)
Hi Kat's mom. Gee, you're getting awfully familiar. lol
p.s. Don't tell Kat about this story, she's too young to be reading such things. ;-)
kmojo_1
Jan. 17th, 2010 07:04 pm (UTC)
I am not!!!!!!!! That was strange, I'll give you that.. but certainly not the worst thing I've read.
Oh and I am not my mother...
ignoblebard
Jan. 19th, 2010 04:03 am (UTC)
"certainly not the worst thing I've read"

That's flattering... I think. ;-)

"Oh and I am not my mother... "

Give it twenty years. lol

Edited at 2010-01-19 04:03 am (UTC)
kmojo_1
Jan. 19th, 2010 01:56 pm (UTC)
"That's flattering... I think. ;-)"
You're better than Celebrain. That's what I meant. :P
"Give it twenty years. lol"
Oh god.... I sure hope not.
ignoblebard
Jan. 19th, 2010 02:01 pm (UTC)
That's my choice? "Celebrian" or this? I guess I'm not flattered after all. lol
kmojo_1
Jan. 19th, 2010 02:02 pm (UTC)
0_o
Sorry Iggy. *apologizes*
ignoblebard
Jan. 21st, 2010 03:38 am (UTC)
Aw, you know I'm just teasing. *hugs*
kmojo_1
Jan. 21st, 2010 01:32 pm (UTC)
I knows... but you were still being mean.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )

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