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I Ain't Got No Body

Title: I Ain't Got No Body
Pairing: Glorfindel/Mandos
Rating: R
Genre: Humor, Slash



A silly fic Oshun made me post.

***********************************************


Námo looked at the Elf standing in front of him and shook his head in resignation.

“Again? What was it this time?”

“Tried to swim against an undertow.”

“Dammit, Glorfindel! I’ve never seen an Elf so accident prone. Oh, all right, you know the drill.”

Glorfindel’s fëa made its way to the body chamber and stepped in. Lights flashed, buzzers sounded, the door hissed open, and Glorfindel, in a fog of dry ice, walked out in his brand new body.

“Looks good,” Námo observed, “if I do say so myself. And I do.”

“I don’t know,” Glorfindel said, shifting from foot to foot and hiking up his hips. “It’s a little tight in the crotch.”

“It’ll stretch out, give it a few months,” Námo said.

“All right then. Bye.”

“Yep, off you go.”

*two months later*

Námo was sipping his tea when Glorfindel’s fëa appeared before him. He jumped like a scalded cat and tea flew everywhere.

“Glorfindel! What in the name of Manwë’s shiny knob…?”

“Horse threw me,” Glorfindel said shortly.

“Off to the chamber with you,” Námo said with a sigh.

Glorfindel wandered back in, naked. “Mind if I join you?” he said, approaching a chair.

Námo tossed the tea towel under him just before his butt hit the naugahyde. “This is getting to be quite the habit with you, Glorfindel,” he said, pouring him a cup of tea. “You’ve got to be more careful.”

“I do try, but something always seems to happen.”

After the tea and a couple of cucumber sandwiches he left.

*two months later*

Námo was flossing his teeth when he saw Glorfindel’s fëa in the mirror behind him. He dropped the floss and gasped causing one end of the string to go down his throat. He had a minor coughing fit and tears were streaming from his eyes as he shouted, “Glorfindel!”

“Slipped on the soap,” Glorfindel’s fëa shrugged.

“You do this one more time and I’m putting you in a Troll!” Námo groused.

“This isn’t fun for me either,” Glorfindel said crossly.

“No, I guess not. Just get in the chamber already.”

Glorfindel came out looking boffo. Námo almost drooled at the sight of him.

“My best work ever,” Námo beamed, turning Glorfindel around and looking him over. He took a lint brush and ran it over Glorfindel’s butt to remove a couple of wayward hairs. “You have got to take care of this, I’ll never make one better.”

“You know, I’m thinking maybe a change of scene. A trip to Middle Earth or something.”

“Out of the question!” Námo said firmly. “No dangerous sea voyages for you.”

“All right, I’ll just go to the hunt this weekend.”

“No better rider than you are? Not on your newly minted behind.”

“Well, then I’ll just hit the shower and be on my way.”

“You’re here because you slipped on the soap. You are forbidden to shower ever again.”

“Then what can I do?” Glorfindel was exasperated.

“There is one safe activity,” Námo said with a grin.

They were right in the middle of making love when Vairë’s tapestry of Glorfindel slaying the Balrog fell on them. Námo struggled out from under the heavy cloth but by the time he pulled Glorfindel out, the Elf had suffocated.

Glorfindel’s fëa floated next to Námo’s shoulder, looking down sadly at his beautiful, lifeless body.

“That was a really nice one too,” he sighed.

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss that one,” Námo said, stroking the golden hair.

“To the chamber again?”

“No, I have a better idea,” Námo grinned.

He picked up a straw and sucked Glorfindel’s fëa into it, then shoved the straw up the body’s nose and blew hard. Glorfindel took a deep breath, then another, and finally his eyes fluttered open.

“Whoa!” he said. “That was. . . wild!”

Námo laughed. “I haven’t done that in years. You should have seen the look on Fingon’s face when I did that to him.

“Please, spare me the details,” Glorfindel giggled.

“All right, off with you now,” Námo said good-naturedly. “And this time be extra careful!”

“I will,” Glorfindel promised.

*six months later*

Námo was putting the finishing touches on his bonsai tree when he heard a voice behind him.

"Ever try to feed jerky to a Warg?"

"Nooooo!"

Comments

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
alassante
Jun. 6th, 2008 04:35 am (UTC)
LOL You are so not right lmfao I love your demented sense of humor.
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:12 am (UTC)
Thanks, Alassante... I think. lol Glad you like it.
drummerwench
Jun. 6th, 2008 04:49 am (UTC)
Hahaha!
That's terrific! Love clueless Glorfindel. Though Námo somehow doesn't seem the sharpest tool in the shed, either...
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:24 am (UTC)
Námo sure can't complain that Glorfindel won't answer the call, can he? *grin* Thanks for your comments.
lissas_elves
Jun. 6th, 2008 06:05 am (UTC)
LMAO A survival-challenged Glorfindel - hilarious! The corn flakes nearly hit the screen this time. :-))

Lissa
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:26 am (UTC)
The fun part was thinking up the ways to kill Glorfindel. Thanks, Lissa, and sorry about your corn flakes. lol
lethe_lloyd
Jun. 6th, 2008 12:11 pm (UTC)
LOL! That was hilarious :D
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:28 am (UTC)
Thanks, Lethe. I'm glad it made you laugh.
lethe_lloyd
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
I'd like to see that as a sketch d;-)
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:34 am (UTC)
Me too, especially with a really hot Glorfindel. lol
lethe_lloyd
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:40 am (UTC)
Indeedy, since he appears to be nekked in most of the scenes. I could * design * a really superb Glorfindel :)
pandemonium_213
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:47 pm (UTC)
Give it up for Ignoble Bard, folks! He'll be here at the Kortirion Komedy Klub all week. Two drink limpë minimum. Try the coimas!

God, this is a scream! Just left you a review on the SWG. :^)
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:29 am (UTC)
Thank you, thank you. *bows* No applause please, just money. lol
buttonbright
Jun. 6th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC)
You are mad, I tell you, MAD! And we love you that way.

Thanks for the chuckles!
ignoblebard
Jun. 7th, 2008 06:32 am (UTC)
Thanks sweetie! It's amazing what a lack of sleep will do for your creativity. ;-)
buttonbright
Jun. 9th, 2008 02:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, really? And who is interfering with your sleep patterns, if I may make so bold? *grins suggestively*
eremir
Jun. 7th, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC)
LOL

I always wondered how that whole rebirth thing worked... XD
ignoblebard
Jun. 8th, 2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
Now, you know. It's an effect from a cheap science fiction movie. lol Thanks for reading and commenting Eremir. I appreciate it.
lucky241
Jun. 8th, 2008 04:43 am (UTC)
OMG I am soooo laughing my ass off!!!!

BRAVO!!!!!

Getty
ignoblebard
Jun. 8th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
Thanks Getty! I figured you'd like this one. *grin*
chaotic_binky
Aug. 19th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
Had me giggling - I love humourous stories - the more ridiculous the better.

Hugs Binky xxxxx
ignoblebard
Aug. 19th, 2008 02:34 am (UTC)
When I write humor it tends to get pretty ridiculous. lol Thanks, Binky. I'm glad this gave you a chuckle.
kmojo_1
Sep. 4th, 2009 02:08 pm (UTC)
ROFL!!!!!! Iggy, that was amazing....
ignoblebard
Sep. 5th, 2009 06:56 am (UTC)
Thanks Kat. I'm glad you liked it. :-)
(Deleted comment)
ignoblebard
Nov. 5th, 2009 04:30 am (UTC)
Who wouldn't want to feed jerky to a warg? You never know how something like that will go until you try. lol Thanks for your comments Olorime. I'm glad this gave you a laugh.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )